Most of us go through a good part of our lives thinking our parents are always going to be with us. Or, maybe, it's not that as much as it is an inability to think of them not being there. There are two reasons for that. The first, of course, is that we love them and can't bear to think of losing them. The other is that nagging realization that, after our parents are gone, we are next in line to complete the circle of life. Time seems to have gone by at warp speed and our own mortality is staring us in the face.
After Dad died, both of those feelings hit pretty hard. But, Mom was still here. Always the healthier of the two and five years older than Dad, she had ups and downs with her health, but has been living in her own apartment and taking care of herself. Now, however, she is in the hospital suffering from what could be the beginning of the end. It's a strange feeling to think I will be "parent-less" after we lose Mom. How can I, a 54 year old woman, feel abandoned? It is a bit unnerving.
There is, of course, the fact that I need more time with Mom. Old hurts and misunderstandings don't seem as important now. I hope we get the chance to talk again. I don't want her to suffer or live the rest of her life hooked up to machines. She doesn't want that, either. None of her kids is selfish enough to prolong her life by artificial means because we can't say goodbye. If she is strong enough to recover and live a useful life for awhile longer, though, the time we have will be precious.
